A New Chapter..... : Sometimes, I Am Cruel!

Sometimes, I Am Cruel.......

Sometimes, I Am Cruel.......

This is my life and how I am.... If only there was some way to take it back to the past and change everything! Step into reality Christian, you know you can't do that...... That is when I think I am cruel. Life for me is hard and cruel... as my title says on this piece!

I hear people tell me it everyday, I don't mean it, I don't want to do it, I hate it, I hate myself, I hate my life!

Sometimes, I Am Cruel.......

And when I see other people are hurting I do nothing, you do nothing, we do nothing... but GOD does something.. he extends his hands and says " Come my child, I shall take care of you"! I cried when I knew he was with me.

Sometimes, I Am Cruel..... I should know how life is, it is when I try to stand up for myself but I fail in the beginning. I cry out to the sky praying for GOD to help me.

But should I feel this way?

Someday I know I will find out who I really am..... but I have no hope in the time being! You have the world looking at you, judging you, hurting you, abusing you, hating you, and verbally raping you. That is how I feel everyday, I feel like they rape my identity and hope. I don’t even know what I even did to deserve this pain. Do you accomplish your every need when you make fun of me.

Even your own friends would hurt you. Even I would hurt my friends. Hurt. Pain. Anger. Agony. Backstabber. Insecurities. Flaws. Scars. What does that mean? I am confused....... I take it as being a piece of crap. I can’t guide myself the right way how to take these descriptions, I need help.

Sometimes, listen up, you need to understand that maybe you will not be able to accomplish your every goal in life so you can make it out of this world.

After 7th Grade, I knew what I had to do, I knew I had to take things seriously. That now I told everyone who half of myself is... now in high school! I don’t need to even see the people who messed with me! I might be leaving Kannapolis or maybe North Carolina. There really lucky because I was actually going to do something to get back at them. You hate the world for doing this to you so you get “revenge”! But let me get back on topic! I knew that I had some people who did not hurt me but still the need to understand who the heck I am.... They think that “Who Christian, no Christian is not that kind who would fight, or even do worse........” Flashback time! I was in 2nd grade........ One boy who never liked me always messed with me then one day he went beyond! So I tackled him and started beating him up......... Yeah! You may not believe but I was violent!

Sometimes, I Am Cruel....... To feel weak, and just now verbally attack someone, and to know that you are more capable than that, like you can just punch someone, and they will be knocked out, instantly. I pray not to be this way, “Please GOD I need your help... I need you to help me....” I ache in fear, and pain but in some cases you need to know that I wanted to understand how life was just to be this so freakin’ cruel.....

Sometimes, I Am Cruel........ In some cases!

Sometimes, That Is Life.......... In some cases!

I have one more thing to say and "no" I am not talking about that one particular thing. I am talking about the people I hang with! I made wrong choices yes, I just got a message from one of my friends who are mad at me and who hate me.... saying that they heard them talking about me and making fun of me calling me names and crap. Good friends I have right!
I just want that one friend of mine to understand what they mean, what they said to me was a lesson! I feel like crap for what I did, I hope they can forgive me. I understand that I may not be the good friend with "patience" but I am a good friend who will fight to make sure that they will be alright in the end!!!
Another friend of mine, whatever I did to make you feel horrible and sad I am terribly sorry!!!!!